changes

changes
metamorphoses
hanging indentations
yellowed white roses

my, my, how huge she’s grown
all the better for a good hard romp
u like it rough don’t ya boy?
mm she’ll ride u till ur sore & worn

changes
metamorphoses
witch’s incantations
churning crises

whatever happened to that love
he oh so sweetly promised?
no no no too afraid of kind consideration
for a worthy friend’s feelings

changes
metamorphoses
drugged illusions
elephantiasis

oh then there’s neurotic bunny
throwing off caution, baring her soul
not asking for much, just a simple hug
but nay all that pain turns him stone cold

changes
metamorphoses
stripped affectations
cross-dialysis

don’t cry little girl, look up, lift up
sunshine in ur eyes, dance in the dark
u’ve come this far against all odds
u won’t go down in history as just a cheap fuck

today… freed

today
one more step
towards
tomorrow
ahead
long fraught road
unknown
sorrows

yet
ocean deep
asleep
peace within
i hold
forgiveness
letting go becos
i love him

nay
no returns
i do not ask
his heart to keep
today
chains of past
bind no more
love has freed

agenda?

agenda?

originally written Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 10:46am - for gazelle, u will always be beautiful to me

i cannot earn ur love
i hv no agenda for mine
i only hoped tt u wld see
this abiding truth in time

over and over i’ve made
mistakes far too many
inside the cracked mirror
my reflection i clearly see

but despite my sins
raging selfish commotions
i truly do love u deep
inside my love’s ocean

is there nothing at all
amidst broken shards of time
worthy of ur forgiveness
for this heart of mine?

ashes

ashes to ashes
dust to dust
blooms of hope
peeling rust
words so precious
to one heart
carelessly uttered
tearing apart
mistaken identity
misled preconceptions
driving u away from me
bewildering confusion
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
bread for the winner
sinner takes the crust

mistaken identity

u hv mistaken

my ardent passion
for cheap lust

my deepest expressions
as worthless dust

my softest gift
for a whore’s trick

my tender caring
as a hussy’s flick

what was my crime?
whatever it was
i’ve done my time
i’ve paid the price
i’ve loved u deep
but u will not see
who i really am
mistaken identity

on wings of a dove

swinging on the hinge of the door
looking thru the glass of a whore

listening quietly to raucous laughter
blood slowly oozing thru the rafters

jarful of whispers in my hand
heartful of love you’ll never understand

knowing tis folly to give too much
in your eyes, every cunt you fuck is a slut

reduction expansion
pretension transformation
dancing on the ceiling
weaving cloth of blessing
breathing in poison
drinking condemnation

echoing labels multicoloured
angel’s heart brutally deflowered
neurotic
quixotic
noble
unstable
negative energy
positive qi
“that’s why i wanna keep a distance”
no space here for imperfections

i’ll go then my love
on wings of a dove
soar to the hills to hide
amongst the trees
of death’s tranquility
at last a peace to abide

silly bunny

bunny is kind
bunny is gentle
bunny is brave
bunny has mettle

bunny is generous
bunny is giving
bunny loves deeply
asking for nothing

bunny loves a blue gazelle
sunken deep in ocean bed
she knows he don’t love her
but she don’t care tho she’s sad

bunny’s happy just to stay
close by near to help her love
but she don’t know those games to play
silly goose, innocent dove

bunny never ever learnt about
adult games of slip n duck
bunny tries but makes mistakes
again her foot in mouth she’s stuck

and all the wealth of caring
holding him tight within
arms of love, hands of comfort
cannot erase from his eyes bunny’s sins

words

a wealth of words i have to say
but nay what use for words
for so long i’ve proved my love true
what is there left which u haven’t heard?

“i love u” u’ve said before
words far too easily spoken
like dust & chaff in the wind
words believed by a heart broken

but “i love u” is all i have left to say
repeated cliche bouncing against the wall
these 3 words to me so precious
to u i know meant nothing at all

gravel in my soup

written 4 june 2008 @ 2.10am for a lost gazelle

———

2 am in the morning
a year and a half
nightingale singing
champagne in the bath
water tap running
crickets on loop
moonlight shimmering
gravel in my soup

and…
i am thinking of you…

friend

feeding on lust

that does not satisfy

licking a skank

who’ll suck u dry

 

angel or whore?

don’t wanna care

what’s da difference

as long as she’s there?

 

love lies beside u

but u don’t wanna see

plunging into the abyss

denial’s sweet misery

 

numbing ur pain

cheap sex & wine

drinking in poison

soothe ur tortured mind

 

once tender soft soul

now without hope

u cannot face love

nay u just can’t cope

 

so on and on you go

living ur lies

ignoring the anguish

of ur heart’s deepest cries

 

perhaps one day

Love higher than mine

will reach out n grab u

intervention divine

 

nothing but a miracle

will stop u in ur tracks

veil of dank depression

torn from front to back

 

cos I’ve seen inside

dark ocean deep

shimmering pure soul

in restless fitful sleep

 

call me silly or stupid, it’s ok

u’ve called me many names

deride my tender whisperings

yet i love u all the same

 

and despite my fears and doubts

hopelessness and grief

from the ashes of my pain

for u I’ll find strength to believe

the cancer

so you are back
you cancerous growth
canker in my brain
poison in my soul
insidious web over
my entire being
as i lay down to die
quietly bleeding
too long you have reigned
wrecked me with pain
taunted with lies
condemnation, shame

but i shall arise fighting
fear has had its day
enough running, time now
for a better way
i will not go down
without a fight
there can be no loss
to live in the light
mock my body?
deride my soul?
youthful charm will age
but love will never grow old
and i shall see the glory
of my crown in you
when your golden scales fall
in the power of my truth

i will fight you
and i shall win
death will be a crown
for my struggles within
each anguished tear
from every taunt
a jewel of courage
shall be born
so be warned
i will not die
you will not kill me
though you have tried
your evil efforts will pave my path
with gold and precious stones
you shall drown in your own vomit
and i shall have the last long laugh

today… if

what more can i say
how many more words
to bleat
entreat
plead
?

You said You kw me
better than i kw myself

today if You love me
come near
today if You are there
as You said You will be
be real
today in my tears
silent screams
mournful dreams
hold me
if
You love me
as You said You do

he said he loved me
fed me sweet lies
i foolishly believed
then he left me to die

in my ashes now, dare i believe You?

today if You care
as You said You do
comfort me
and give me
hope
once more

today 
will You give me courage
once more
to believe?

daughter

i asked all of them
but none gave me reply
silent resentment
to an awkward question
but mine was a cry
from deep within
angel’s heart bleeding
at the doorstep of sin

“what would you do
if i were your daughter?
sweet innocent love
what would you do to her?”

they hated me thn
for daring to speak
despite the pain
shaking my fists
what good did it do me
to speak my shame
now would you hate me
if i asked you the same?

“what would you do
if i were your daughter?
sweet innocent love
what would you do to her?”

pain

leave me alone
in my pain
i don’t need
your comfort
sweet embrace
holding me
crying
weak
fragile
vulnerable
in your arms

leave me alone
in my pain
i don’t need
anyone
to see me
i am strong alone
i can walk this road
as i have done
for so long
i don’t need you
but
oh
how i want you
here with me

twenty years… tomorrow

here u are
after 20 years
u hv forgotten
my young bitter tears
all u see now
sweet quirky distraction
u want me back
drowning fascination

but i m no longer
girl i used to be
heart too broken
eyes too tired to see
further than today
no more tomorrow
misty yesterdays
melted into sorrow

i love him now
heart old & worn
too tired to hope
wry comic forlorn
’silly goose’ he once called me
how apt how true
this little clown has seen
pain she never knew

i know he doesn’t care
i don’t ask for recompense
my love is given freely
all i have all i am
who knows when the winds
will take me far away
but now let me love him
for just one more day

—-

it is kind of you to offer to whisk me away, i am touched but i cannot go with you becos my heart will not follow me if i do… and all you will have is an empty broken shell… forget about me dear, let me just be a hazy distant memory

broken springs

broken springs
sheets worn
dirty toothbrush
towels torn

stale beer
cold floor
skink fink
banging on door

purring puss
jangling keys
flapping loose
queen bee

running from love
bed-rocked numb
hang yo pretty head
upon her swollen thumb

mixed identities
lies in pies
fruit loops toots
eat to die

broken springs
dead dragonfly
broken wings
don’t ask why

happy father’s day

this sunday is father’s day
i think of you again
where are you now?
far far far away….

happy father’s day
daddy
dada
pa

you gave me all
precious to hold
but you broke
my fragile soul
i gave you all
i had within
my rainbows
songs of love
stories of hope
dreams to fly
innocent naivete
a little girl’s heartcry

you took from me
adoration
dedication
admiration
and you gave it all
to her
who held a knife
to my throat
who tortured
with her taunts
my inadequacy
insecurities
fears
of never being
good enough
for you

and you?
you preferred her
despite my pleas
you just would not
believe
said i was
jealous
making it
my fault
my wrong
my stupidity
i was everything
i was too much
but never
enough

how i grieved
heartbroken
she was pretty
beguiling
manipulative
i was odd
guileless
imaginative
both your little girls
i don’t begrudge
your love for her
it just hurts
that you used me
for your entertainment
and you chose her
for your protection

i was gutsy
never cried when it hurt
she was whiny
a boy-crazy flirt
were you taken by
her feminine wiles?
was i not also
your tender little child?

happy father’s day
daddy
dada
pa

you are gone now
no more yearning
for love
you will never give
i know the guilt
of trying too hard
but guess what?
i’ve grown up now
to give my heart
to a man
just
like
you
daddy
dada
pa

meaningless repetition

falling falling falling
it hurt so bad
but this pain
cannot compare
with broken soul
crushed spirit
echoing echoing echoing

swollen eyes
will reside
restless sleep
offers some respite
but no medicine
can erase
what i know i know

cos i know i know
that i knew
i shd hv known
shd hv shd hv shd hv
so i cried cried cried
this knowing knowing
repeating meaninglessly
in my deep anguished being

but its ok my dear
cos i died died died
a very very very
long long long ago
yet i live
living
alive

petrushka’s note

petrushka has written
a note to bunny
she placed it on the fridge
neatly ‘neath the yellow goldfish
it reads:

“dear bunny
i do love u
i m not ashamed
to be a part of u
u r loving n giving
in a way i can never be
u r forgiving
u help me to see
when i need u
u r always there
never demanding
for anything back

but u hv lost ur fight
where did it go?
u buried it somewhere
even i don’t know
please bunny dear
find it again
its so hard to live beside
someone without any fight”

let me go

bunny is crying
silent wails of agony
she says:
“let me go… please…
i want to go home
death is the only way there
but i am afraid to take the journey
alone
as i am here alive
in this misery
hapless being
flesh without form
burning passion without fire
broken by love
brave but afraid to die”

petrushka is fed up
she doesn’t wanna hear
she says:
“let me go… please…
just shut up bunny
stop this neurosis
nobody gives a shit
he doesn’t anyway
so just get up
take a painkiller
and go clean the floor!”