inspiration = breathing in
being there
touching
seeing
feeling ur aura
wrap around me
inflections in ur voice
talking abt things
that matter to u
hearing the rhythm
of ur wheezing
romance?
nay… u misunderstood
just my very unique way
of learning
thru u
thru things around me
thru beauty
being me
u said u’d help me
i tried to tell u how
but i guess
it’s too late now
u see, i learn
by osmosis
dreaming nightmares
dark knotted pain
swimming in flotsam
from yesterday’s rain
shadows thick
stroking the fog
soft silken skin
silver corded locks
deep blue hush
silent storm
images of u
irony forlorn
slow…
hush…
breathe…
believe…
stretch…
reach…
touch…
taste…
smell…
release…
heal…
no matter how
slow
half truth
is not truth
but gentle deception
carelessly tossed
insidious destruction
innocence lost
nay, twas not i
who had a hidden agenda….
scheherazade will leave
dark dungeons begone
bloodstained walls
innocence dead forlorn
bluebeard’s castle
two years of shame
invisible spectre
without a name
adieu, my love, she whispers
caressing bluebeard’s head
but he lies in the arms of another
sweet deception’s bed
scheherazade shall leave
broken dreams
time to release
silent scream
dada…
forgive me
fragile mind now demented
lost in silent wails of torment
blood stained innocence
naivety sullied
mocked derided hope
locked inside
invisible darkness
broken body
pain wrecked
dada…
forgive me…
i longed to dance in the sunlight of my dreams
but now here i m…
dancing in the dungeons
little duckling was sitting by the side of the playground, drawing circles in the sand…
a little frog came to her and said, “hey would u like to buy a magic marble that can let u hold rainbows in ur hand? buy it and i’ll be ur friend, we can hold rainbows together!”
little duckling’s eyes were bright with wonder, yes of course, she had always dreamed of holding rainbows in her hand… and she always wanted to she rainbows with a friend…
“oh yes, yes, yes, please! i will give u all i hv to u, pls be my friend and share my rainbows!” she answered, breathless with naive hope
but after little duckling had given everything she had for the magic marble, and the little frog had hopped merrily away… little duckling sat in the sand with the marble, wondering, “where r all the rainbows? why hv u gone and left me alone? i thought u said u’d be my friend? there must be some mistake?”
so she chased after little frog, crying out over and over again, “hey, what happened to the marble? why r there no rainbows? why won’t u play with me now?”…
but little frog laughed and pretended not to kw little duckling… “shh, i dont kw u, we never met… now go away and keep quiet!”
and little duckling sat crying alone… alone as she first began, but this time with nothing left but a useless glass marble in her hand
then came baby cow… “why r u crying, little duckling?” and little duckling poured out the marble story
but baby cos laughed and said, “EVERYONE knows there’s no such thing as a magic marble, how cld u be so stupid to believe it and give everything u hv?”
“how silly”, and baby cow walked away, “the frog was just having u on, it’s nothing, stop crying, such a baby u r… why wld a popular kid like the frog want to be ur friend? u’re nothing but a silly dreamy freak! just grow up, will ya!”…
little duckling realises it was her own fault she believes what others say – but that was becos she had a disease called “mind blindness“… her eyes cld see the colours of the rainbows, the oceans, the changing hues of the sky… she wld share all she had with anyone who wld be her friend, but she cld not ’see’ the colours and different hues of careless lies and jokes and games the other kids played…
so the joke’s on her, but it’s ok… little duckling wants to forget what happened and learn how to see as the others see… she longs to smile and trust and love again… but it is a strange place here, and she doesnt kw the rules… but little frog and baby cow will not teach her, and it is impossible without their help…
the playground is a scary place for ‘mind blind’ little ducklings… but who will help her…
will u?
what bitter irony… the themes u choose… all hv resonant echoes inside of me, long long before i ever met u…
bluebeard… and now la’engloutie cathedrale…
coincidence?… maybe… but too cruel such coincidence to bear… it is as if somewhere in time, my soul had been snatched away from me and given to someone else… and i cannot find it back again… no matter how i try… and i m left with a crushed torn cheap useless photocopy…
u will never kw my torment… but i really really wish u well anyway… for in ur hands u carry a child’s tender fragile dreams… as u mock me for my ‘insanity’…
tears
misplaced
fear
disgraced
yearning
without solace
burning
empty furnace
screams
suspended
dreams
devastated
tender love
mocked, defiled
mute hope
invisible chid
———
u see… she has asperger’s… she doesnt really kw what ‘romance’ means… even tho u may think she speaks in ‘romantic’ language… she is a freak in ur eyes, becos she cannot understand ur world… she trips clumsily over pebbles but glides above mountains unseen… her voice was taken from her and given to someone else… her song echoing in silence, screaming in insanity… a nightingale’s trill turned into a crow’s cackle… mocked and avoided as a freak… the invisible child…
different killers
same knife
same idiot
different lies
first stab
missed the heart
didnt matter
small cut
this time now
jagged edged
fragile dreams
finally dead
its father’s day… but she stayed home all day with a swollen knee… there wasn’t anyone to celebrate with or for anyway… cos her dada’s gone… full fathom five his ashes and bones lie… that image of the sea… the journey out in the boat… her last goodbye… still so vivid in her memory…
dada, u were incredible – u did so many things and all of them so very very well… but today she remembers u for ur dancing… maybe it is her knee… u see, she cld share almost everything with u, she learnt it all, she loved it all… but dancing… one thing she was denied… not thru lack of ability… but just sheer physical impossibility… a weak constitution from the start… and then full blown debilitating arthritis at age 10… what chance did she ever have?… but she still tried… whenever her body allowed her… tho she kws… especially today when her body is reminding her so loudly… she cld never dance with dada… not then, not ever… not even now…
this is for u dada… as a child she watched u dancing in the living room – the foxtrot, quickstep, waltz, cha cha… when she was better, u wld show her the steps… how she loved the rhythm, the music and feeling one in body and soul as u held her little tiny hands and swung around the room… u were her fred and how she wanted to be ginger… her fantasy… a real fantasy… becos it will never come true:
happy father’s day, dada !
he said she was a “memory machine”… once again she had angered him… by remembering details, things which he said, carelessly tossed, unmeant, but yet so precious to her, pieces of worthless dross, like golden dew drops in her bleak landscape of dead dreams…
and she remembers… once he was deep deep deep inside of her, bodies entwined, and he saw her looking intently at his face… his eyes flashed, and he said, “hey, don’t look at me like that, as if u r trying to find some meaning in this, it’s nothing but a meaningless fuck, ok?”… she cringed, a knife drawn thru her fragile soul, searing burning coals upon her pounding heart…
u see, she loved him… and she knew… she knew it was “nothing but a meaningless fuck” to him… no, nay, she was not looking for any meaning in his face… not looking for any love to find becos she knew there was none… anyway, even if there were, she cld not read faces, gestures, the subtle language of the body that all normal people knew so well… she was a freak…
well then, what was she doing?
she loved to look at him, to gaze into his face, his body, the way he moved…. because… she was simply, naively, gently, tenderly, lovingly, sadly, forlornly PHOTOGRAPHING his image into her mind… locking every undulating detail inside her memory…
“memory machine”… how those words hurt… but it was true… she was indeed that… and those images still remain… in a broken little box at the bottom of the ocean in dark blue silence, inside the memory machine…
she noticed it
a small thing
so tiny
inconspicuous
but
she noticed it
and
it
hurt
he said she was beautiful… talented…
he told her he loved her voice… her music…
she believed… he gave her hope… inspiration…
nay not for romance but far deeper than that
she heard in his words encouragement
they gave her dreams an existence at last
her own mistake – she bared her soul
naive clueless she didnt kw
it was only fantasy to him
and all he said
was
not
true
empty lies
forgotten
fantasy
so does it mean
that there is
no beauty
no talent
no voice
no hope
afterall ?
there is no beauty
in a broken soul
once desired
admired
now
frantic expressions
empty
devoid
whimpers lost
in silence
what is the sound
a dying child makes?
bobbing boat
‘pon raging sea
tumultuous heaving
churning seething
yet ‘neath the torment
an ocean lives within
a lonely frightened child
pls dont break me
with cruel words
i cannot understand
but walk alongside
teach me show me
gently hold me in hand
and inside the calm u weave
i will bring to u
my sweetest mysteries
tis silent when the demons scream, tis still when the angels cry… and no one weeps, not one, nay, when this invisible child dies…
shades at night
cheap stilletos
ill-fitting tights
trashy photos
bit by bit
pixel slow
deep inside
stillness glowed
how cld this chit
hv tortured my soul?
not a hue to me
no sir, no…
i cld never stoop
quite so very low
crimson trophy
bright crass
bottoms up
butt flash
today, i found
resolution in bright red
send me an angel
stroke me to sleep
gently catching
each tear i weep
cover me softly inside
wings of forgetfulness
wrap me warm n’ tight
in sweet blissful rest
send me an angel
and when i awake
i’ll paint u my oceans
sweet wine to partake
i love u still, but i’ve forgotten why… been such a long, painful confusing, cruel ride… i longed and begged for u to see, all the wonders i had to offer, all beauty in me… but i didnt hv what u gave her – time and space and place… and i fought a lost battle using tools i could not wield, words that exploded in my own face… and now after so long i’ve cried, yesterday in the silence of darkness, i died… at last, i died… and then, it didn’t matter anymore…
believe what u will of me, see what u wish to see… i m still here, but i m gone… u broke my hope with ur disbelief…
i love u still, i always always will… but i hv lost the will to fight…
